The Gossip Guide

If you're new to Lainey gossip, you might want to take a quick browse through the fundamentals.If you’ve been visiting for a while, you still might want to check in from time to time. The Gossip Guide, like the Gossip Landscape, changes all the time. And the world of smut is quick and dirty. You'll need this to keep up...

The Love List

You can expect consistent and excessive fawning over the following:

• Gwyneth Paltrow

  The true star of this column and the bestest actress and the snobbiest snot and the most condescending bitch and she would never, ever want to be my friend and this is why I love her.

  
  
• Will & Jada Smith

  A lovely couple even though she's a hardass and probably beats him regularly (in my opinion of course) though there is worry on the horizon. In the shape of a Gay Midget Dwarf. Praise Thetan, ah-Xenu.

  
  
• Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

  Love them because the MiniVan Majority hates them, love them if you love gossip. Because like them or not they are a true gossip treat. Scandal, intrigue, double hotness, jungle sex in Africa, birthing the Chosen One in the Motherland, saving the world one Pax at a time, and two of the most gorgeous people on the planet…this is what smut is made of.

  
  
• Johnny Depp

  No explanation necessary.

  
  
• Kirsten Dunst

  My Kiki. Because she’s NOT blonde and generic. Because she doesn’t wear the red carpet uniform and get voted best dressed. Because she’s young and weird and quirky and totally elitist and the anti-thesis of Jessica Simpson… hell yeah.

  
  
• Cate Blanchett

  The Queen can do no wrong – on and off the carpet.

  
  
• The Beckhams

  She's a former Spice Girl/anorexic lollipop with the most ridiculous tits in the business, he's a hunky football star/philandering pig with the FOINEST buttocks straddling the Atlantic Ocean...what's not to love???

  
  

The Fraud List

You can expect consistent and excessive skewering of the following:

• Jennifer Aniston

  The Queen of all Frauds, definitely NOT the girl next door unless you live in a $7 million mansion with another $10 million in upgrades, or unless you deal in “happy”, there is no way in hell The Ex is gonna get Friend-ly with you.

  
  
• Julia Roberts

  Honking guffaw + massive horse teeth + interminable verbal diarrhea = THE most obnoxious celebrity.

  
  
• Cameron Diaz

  Hermy no more but still a raging egomaniac. Remember – being pretty sucks as much as being obese. This is the burden of her beauty..poor Cam.

  
  
• Nicole Kidman

  Great career moves post high profile split from egomaniacal ex-husband and then the Freeze took over her face, followed by a marriage contract, and the incessant need to further the pregnancy rumours – all conveniently timed, of course. Because you don’t marry Tom Cruise and learn nothing in the art of media manipulation…not to mention a cabinet full of secrets.

  
  
• Denise Richards

  True girlfriends don’t date girl exes. And true sweethearts don’t injure the elderly with flying laptops. But once a working girl, always a working girl…and this girl is a hardworking famewhore.

  
  

The Gay Midget Dwarf

The Gay Midget Dwarf. Mr. Hollywood keeps fighting a persistent rumour but it just won't go away. Piloting a fighter plane and wielding a Japanese sword doesn't fool us! Not even that cult he keeps promoting can keep his hot little secret under wraps. And if you STILL can't figure it out, you really need to brush up on your smut.

And allow me to get a little territorial…I coined this term. As much as it’s used elsewhere, the GMD is all mine.

Glossary of Terms

My terminology:

• Gorgessity (LaineyGossip Original)

  The state of being gorgeous. i.e. The gorgessity of Scarlett can never be adequately described.

  
  
• Ghetto Tits (LaineyGossip Original)

  A very bad boob job. The kind where each breast was likely done at different times because the skank recipient didn't have enough money to pay for them both at once. See Tara Reid.

  
  
• Concrete Tits (LaineyGossip Original)

  See Victoria Beckham.

  
  
• Hermy

  Short for Hermaphrodite, an animal or plant having both male and female reproductive organs. See Cameron Diaz circa 2003-2006.

  
  
• Tranny

  Short for transvestite. A person and especially a male who adopts the dress and often the behavior typical of the opposite sex especially for purposes of emotional or sexual gratification. See Jessica Simpson.

  
  
• Low Classy (LaineyGossip Original)

  Say it in my mother’s Chinese accent…does Tara Reid come to mind?

  
  
• Call me Cruise (LaineyGossip Original)

  Call me crazy, Call me Cruise…

  
  
• Karma Face (LaineyGossip Original)

  Or Payback Face – the effects of homewrecking wreaking havoc all over one’s features. See the once fetching Claire Danes and Tori Spelling too, who appears to have been born with Karma Face…the Goddess clearly predicting her eventual manstealing.

  
  
• Maybe Gaybe (LaineyGossip Original)

  could be homo, a celebrity whose sexual preference is often questioned. See Orlando Bloom, Jake Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy.

  
  
• Rossum

  Inspired by Emmy Rossum – refers to nauseating sick sweetness. Goody goody teacher’s pet, so cloying the bile starts coming up the moment you see those baby doe-eyes seeking approval. That feeling in your stomach? The nausea you’re feeling? It’s called Rossum.

  
  
• Hollywood Ebola (LaineyGossip Original)

  Deadly Ebola Virus devastates those in its path – leaving victims bleeding out from all orifices. Such is the effect of Paris Hilton on Hollywood. Like Ebola, Hollywood Ebola cannot be killed. She lurks in cracks and corners, unleashing her destruction on anyone who gets too close, retreating into the rain forest to regenerate only to come back even uglier, more potent, more vile.

  
  
• RoboBride

  The Gay Midget Dwarf got married, turned a beguiling young girl into a glassy-eyed automaton, capable only of uttering the same superlatives favoured by her husand it’s amazing, it’s marvellous, it’s beautiful, it’s every synonym for fan-farking-tastic you can think of. And what was once a promising acting career has now turned into professional shopping and peering out from behind an alien prison. Chills, chills, chills.

  
  
• Taupe

  As in Jennifer Garner – pretty but bland. Which is fine enough for a civilian … but Taupe in showbiz…why should I care?